Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Oh. Dear.

Seriously, I'm at an oh. dear. point in this whole eating right and exercising thing. 


Because I'm not doing it. 

School started  back up last week and any progress I made went right out the window.  And, apparently, my self-control went flying out alongside the progress. 

The first night I got home last week before 7ish was Thursday, I think, and the same trend is repeating itself this week.  And when I get home at 7, even though I have great ideas of cooking or going for a run or even just doing some work around the house... well.... I somehow end up sitting down and doing none of them. 

Last night, for example, (and oh, how embarassing it is to admit this), I had good intentions.  There was a package of ground beef in the fridge to make Iraqi meatballs and a bundle of aspargus to bake with a little olive oil, both just waiting for me to come home. 

But I had to stop at the grocery store for some cream for my morning coffee....

And there, a loaf of french bread and a bag of pizza rolls called my name...

And sadly, I answered. 

Picture this. 

Upon arriving home, I ignored the yummy (and healthy) meal I'd planned in my head and, instead, while the oven preheated, ate a few pieces of bread (umm yes, with butter).  Then I baked half the bag of pizza rolls and ate them all.  That's about 18 or 20, if you're wondering.  Gross, right?  Oh, but it doesn't stop there.  I decided I wanted a few more.  But of course you can't just bake a few more, so I made the entire other half of the bag.  Thankfully I didn't eat all of them.  I left John about 10.  That's right, folks.  I ate about 30 pizza rolls last night for dinner.

And you wonder why I'm worried I'm falling off the wagon.  I'm pretty sure I've already fallen and the wagon is several feet ahead of me.

So here I am, getting chubbier and more unhealthy as my self-control has apparently disappeared and my schedule is not being terribly flexible and doesn't have time for working out.

And realizing that I'm writing as if my self-control has it's own mind and as if my schedule is a living thing, and blaming them.

Probably need to own up to the fact that if I want to be healthy, I will have to cook when I'm tired, go for a workout even when I don't "have time," and ignore the pizza rolls when they call my name.

Oh. Dear.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


If this chapter of my life was a chapter of a book it would surely be called Freedom!

I feel so alive, so free in this new-ness God is giving me: a new creation, through and through. Why is it so bewildering that God is this amazing? It shouldn't be! He created me for heaven's sake, but somehow it's still astonishing that he cares so much about ME.

Make room for Love. He's coming through (for us).

If this year/chapter marks a time of freedom, the last year/chapter would certainly be called Chains, that or The Devil Wears Prada...is that okay to say? Probably not. Sorry... It's just that I had no idea walking into last August, what would come to me. Matt, my husband, recently told me he didn't like who I was in the last year. It wasn't that my person changed altogether. It was just that he didn't like how insanely busy and stressed I was. Let's just say it wasn't very becoming for me.

And even though I sometimes feel like Matt's personal assistant these days, I don't really mind. In my heart, I know that me not working for now has some really great purpose in God's plan. I can already see a few glimpses of it, and I'm sure much more astonishment is on it's way.

This new eating and exercising plan Beth and I have begun seems to coincide just right with God's schemings. It's been such a metaphor between my body, my mind, and my spirit. In this process I have been graced with true strength, confidence, beauty, love (how do you love others like yourself if you've been loving yourself like crap?), joy, and FREEDOM. I didn't know it could be this good. Wow, just to imagine missing out on this good...

I tried to tell Matt what it feels like. I told him about running and trying to run to a certain point on the path, the finish, and the way you give it everything you've got at the end, just to get there. Your legs are moving like pinwheels or something. You're huffing and puffing. Your eyes are wide open, arms pumping like crazy. Your whole self, whole heart, whole mind, body and strength are working in synergy (love that word, remember learning it in college...seems like a made up word really). That is freedom. That amazing feeling is freedom in Christ. And I've been feeling more of that lately than ever before.

So I'm like jump-on-the-bed HAPPY:)

And it turns out you really CAN have self-control with eating and exercise. In fact, that's part of the freedom. Total freedom (at least for me) seems to become chaos, but controlled freedom, I have learned, becomes happy!

P.S. It definitely helps that my efforts are really paying off: 5 pounds and 2 waist-inches (of chains) are no longer a part of me!!